The November Blog

Republican Party Officially No Longer Racist!

2009-01-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

An African-American, Michael Steele, has captured the highest possible office the Republican Party allows minorities to hold: Party Chairman.

Steele barely edged out Katon Dawson, a segregationist from South Carolina.

GOP shall overcome!

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Act Now, Or The Republican Party May Be Extinct In Our Children's Lifetimes!

2009-01-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

Republicans are a dying breed:

According to Gallup, there are only five states that now have a statistically significant majorities of Republicans. They are Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska and Nebraska.

In contrast, there are now 35 states that are majority Democratic with 10 states up for grabs.

Wow. That's just amazing.

Maybe Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska, and Nebraska can just secede from the union, and Sarah Palin can be President of Republicanstan. Of course, without all the commerce and subsidies from the bigger, bluer states, Republicanstan might soon collapse into a hellhole of unemployment, inbreeding, and pitchforks, which, come to think of it, isn't that much different from the way things are now!

I think the Republican Party better start rethinking their position on the Endangered Species Act, before it's too late.

(Cross posted at Rumproast and The Seminal)

Barack Obama Is More Popular Than Sex!

2009-01-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

That's right you sexy things, you. This happened a few days ago, but it's worth noting:

A national poll suggests that President-elect Barack Obama is more popular than ever despite recent speed bumps on the road to his inauguration.
The CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey released Sunday also indicates that most Americans see Obama's inauguration as a chance for the nation to come together.
Eighty-four percent of those surveyed say they approve of how Obama is handling the presidential transition. That's up 2 points from the middle of December and up 5 points from the beginning of December.

Damn. 84 percent.

Now check this out, a survey of Americans' attitudes towards sex:

Men Women

Think about sex every day 70% 34%

Enjoy sex a "great deal" 83% 59%

So the percentage of Americans who approve of Barack Obama's performance is higher than the percentage of American men who enjoy their own performance!

Daaaamn!

Of course, this survey was taken in 2004, when Bush was president, when there was no point in continuing to populate the world, so maybe sex is now actually more popular than Obama. We'll have to just wait and see.

You've got a lot riding on this, Mr. President.

G Dub Rollin' Out On 22

2009-01-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

So soon-to-be former president Bush's final approval rating came out yesterday, and, you're gonna be surprised.

It turns out that the country has had a change of heart, and, in the final days of his administration, the president has managed to win back the appreciation and respect of--

Ah, fuck it. The dude's goin' out at 22 percent.

(CBS) President Bush will leave office as one of the most unpopular departing presidents in history, according to a new CBS News/New York Times poll showing Mr. Bush's final approval rating at 22 percent.

Seventy-three percent say they disapprove of the way Mr. Bush has handled his job as president over the last eight years.

Mr. Bush's final approval rating is the lowest final rating for an outgoing president since Gallup began asking about presidential approval more than 70 years ago.

Mission Accomplished?

Wow. 22 percent. Roughly the same percentage of Texans believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim!

So basically, the core of the president's remaining support comes from ignorant conspiracy theorists who live in Texas.

Heartwarming, isn't it?

Also, I must point out, that 22 percent is also roughly the same portion of dentists who don't think sugarless gum is better for you than sugary gum.

Thankfully, on Tuesday at noon, America's going to start taking much better care of our collective hygiene.

(Cross posted at D-Day and Rumproast)

The PUMAs are “ the most effective group of political activists in a generation”…

2009-01-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

....And the Democrats are totally going to lose in November!

Wait, what?

Head on over to PUMA Pac, and you will find this:

Welcome to 2009 — the Year of the Puma!

If you believe in Puma PAC and our mission — if you want us to continue being the most effective group of political activists in a generation — will you help us reach our goal today?

So, it appears that the PUMAs are “the most effective group of political activists in a generation” eh? Well, that sounds interesting, lets find out more about this amazingly effective group by clicking on the link to their MISSION STATEMENT!

Click that link, and then check out the part about how the Democratic Party totally fucked us this past year:

This year the Democratic Party leadership led us astray.

* Ignoring the Popular Vote in the Primaries
* Disenfranchising tens of millions of Democrats in Florida and Michigan
* Standing by idly as sexist attacks hobbled an accomplished and historic candidate for President
* Dismissing whole states and voting blocs as “irrelevant” to an imaginary “new” coalition
* Leading us to certain defeat in November — ANOTHER General Election Loss

That’s right folks, the PUMAs are “ the most effective group of political activists in a generation” because they get it that the Democrats, by nominating that Muslim gay elitist terrorist Marxist Socialist Fascist Communist Black Nationalist, Barky Oblowme, are dooming us to certain defeat in November.

McCain/Palin 2008! They’re totally going to win because of the PUMAs!

Man, Do The PUMAs Have Their Shit Together, Or What?

2009-01-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

If you’re a PUMA, you know that Barky Obama will be sworn in as president on February 38th at 3 pm, in South Eastern Connecticut.

Wait, what?

Ok, well, remember when the PUMAs declared that they were going to do everything in their power to prevent Barack Obama from winning a second term and being sworn in on January 20th, 2012?

Right, that was funny because he wouldn’t be sworn in again in 2012. It would be 2013. But since the PUMAs are a coalition of millions and millions of well organized, politically savvy folks, they probably already knew that, and were just messing around, right?

Anyway, over at The Confluence, they are now counting down the hours to Obama’s first inauguration (see the top left of the blog). And guess what? They can’t even get the goddamned hour correct. 1 PM? Uh....the swearing in is at noon, jeez.

Click here to get your own Countdown to Obama’s 1 PM Inauguration Widget.

I’m sure when the 18 million PUMAs show up at 1 PM to protest and everyone has already left to attend the parade, they will be mighty confused.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Mitt Romney Returns To His First Love: Porn

2009-01-08T17:59:00.001-08:00

Willard Romney, known throughout the world of pornography simply as “Mitt” for his willingness to have five fingers...oh nevermind...has apparently returned to his pornographic roots:

BETHESDA, Md. (Bloomberg) — Mitt Romney has been reappointed to Marriott International Inc.’s board of directors.

Romney, a former governor of Massachusetts and a U.S. presidential candidate, served on the board from 1992 to 2002, Marriott said Wednesday in a statement distributed by PR Newswire.

You see, during Mittens’s tenure on the board for Marriott, the hotel aired hardcore, barely legal porno in their hotel rooms, and Mittens just lay passively in the missionary position and did nothing about it, which got many conservatives all hot and bothered

But the reason Mittens didn’t do anything, see, is because Mormons really, really, really love pornography.

It also turns out that most Americans like porno too, as it appears that many of us--not me of course--spent our stimulus checks stimulating ourselves with porno this year.

But apparently, our measly stimulus checks weren’t enough to satisfy the porno industry, as they are now demanding a bailout from the federal government.

Well, since Mitt Romney seems to know a lot of about both porn and the economy (He’s rich! Though not from porn, but maybe!), I suggest that we make him our next president in 2012.

This has been the most pleasurable post I’ve ever written.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

John McCain Felt A Little Movement

2009-01-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

John McCain personally emailed me yesterday. I’m in his personal America Online (Version 1.2) email address book, along with the 26 other people who still talk to him. Here’s some of the email:

My Friend,

In the time since the 2008 presidential campaign ended I have had a chance to reflect on many things. And as I said on election night, I truly cannot adequately express how indebted I am to you, my entire campaign team and my running mate, Governor Sarah Palin.

The road was a difficult one from the outset. Yet, your faith, your support and friendship never wavered. Just as I have proudly served my country for more than half a century I am as committed as ever to helping see our mission through.

So to continue the movement, I have decided to launch a new grassroots organization called Country First.

Still awake, my friends?

John McCain sure created a “movement” didn’t he? Click here to continue the “movement”!

Meanwhile, his former rival, who happened to create a tiny little movement himself, is busy getting ready to be the leader of the free world. And he’s about to meet with the President of Mexico.

Without preconditions!

The horror! McCain and his movement warned us about this didn’t they?

Wait. Did you feel that? I thought I felt a little, uh, some, uh, some movement.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Fred Thompson's Consolation Prizes For Not Being Elected President

2009-01-06T18:23:00.000-08:00

Napping and throat clearing his way to a three-hundred-and-forty-ninth place finish in the Republican primary was apparently not enough to allow Fred Thompson to save the Republican Party in 2008.

So he gave up, turned his old campaign website into an Italian house of gambling, and then proceeded to take a very long nap.

But now, he's back!

And even though he can't be president, he still gets to do two things that are almost as awesome:

1) Replace Bill O'Reilly on the radio, and record himself snoring loudly (but all folksy like!) for an hour each day.

2) Act in this amazing, life affirming commercial with Charles Barkley:

He may not have been able to save the Republican Party, but at least Fred Thompson got to save radio and television!

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Here's Some Awesome: R.E.M Calls The Election For Obama, Who It Turns Out Is A Total Plagarist!!!

2008-12-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

Just stumbled across this video. It's R.E.M (my favorite band!) on Election Night in Chile, reporting to the crowd that Barack Obama has been elected president. They then go into the song "I Believe," from their 1986 album Life's Rich Pageant. (one of my favorite albums!)

And, um, the chorus from the song, written 22 years ago, is:

I believe my shirt is wearing thin
And change is what I believe in

Whoa. Unless David Axelrod ghostwrote Michael Stipe's lyrics, it seems like this is another example of Barack Obama being a total plagarist! What say you PUMAs? Is it the end of the world, as you know it, Larry Johnson? Everybody hurts, Darragh Murphy, sometimes. Did Jeremiah Wright make you lose your religion Riverdaughter?

Anyway, here's the video:

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Can We Bring Back This T-Shirt?

2008-12-18T13:33:00.001-08:00

America's Jesusiest Senator, Sam Brownback, has announced that he will retire from the Senate, in order to probably run for Governor of Kansas in 2010.

When Brownback was running to be America's Jesusiest president, his campaign had some amazing shirts for sale.

Here's an example:

Pretty amazing, eh?

I've also cataloged a few other examples here, here, and here (I don't think that last one was officially sanctioned by the campaign!)

The most awesome thing about all this is that his campaign left all their designs up at this site, where you can dress up a bunch of different models in hilarious versions of Brownback for President shirts!

Anyway, now that Brownback is coming back to be Kansas's Christiest Governor, I thought I'd bring the t-shirts back as well.

Seriously, I can just sit here for like an hour messing around with these shirts.

It's a pathetic life I live, I know.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Is Bristol Palin's Un-Born Baby Pregnant?

2008-12-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

Judge for yourself.

This article is titled :"Sarah Palin's Dad Says She'll Be a Great Grandmother"

Here's the choice quote from the article:

"My daughter will be a great grandmother," he says. "She's a great mother – great daughter, great mother. I don't know about how much time she can spend, she's so busy. But she'll get her licks in. Don't worry."

I don't know what else this could mean besides an announcement that Bristol Palin's baby will soon give birth to its own baby, because that's how the Palins roll. Also, Sarah Palin will "get her licks in," meaning she will beat the living shit out of her great grand baby, to build character, for Jesus.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Bobby Jindal Exorcises Himself From 2012 Race For President

2008-12-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

Well known exorcist Bobby Jindal, who moonlights as Louisiana's Governor, has announced that he won't be Exorcising America's Demons in 2012 by running for Creepy Ghoul President.

The 2012 Race for President just got way less demonic.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Ken Blackwell for RNC Chairman!

2008-12-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

Let me just take a moment to endorse Kenneth Blackwell for RNC Chairman. Sure he helped steal Ohio for President Bush in 2004, but he is also an expert in something near and dear to the heart of Republicans everywhere, something that they are deeply, deeply committed to as a party, something that they should totally campaign on in 2010 and 2012 if they want to have any chance of ever winning an election again.

That something? Sex between men and boys!

For your viewing pleasure (I hope not that kind of pleasure), here is Ken Blackwell debating then-Congressman Ted Strickland during the 2006 Ohio Governor's race. Ken Blackwell of course won that race and is now the very successful Governor of Ohio. Actually he got pathetically trounced, but--

That's right, Kenneth Blackwell seems to know a helluva lot about the North American Man Boy Love Association (commonly known as "NAMBLA" to Republicans), so he's obviously a shoo-in for the chairmanship.

Also, creepy clown-faced pseudo-politician Steve Forbes is supporting him.

This should be a slam dunk.

(Cross posted at Rumproast and The Seminal)

A Sign Of The Apocalypse: Wal-Mart To Start Selling iPhones

2008-12-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh!

NEW YORK - Apple Inc.'s famous veil of secrecy appears to have stretched thin in trying to cover thousands and thousands of Wal-Mart stores.

A Wal-Mart employee in Uniondale, N.Y., told The Associated Press on Monday that the store will start selling Apple's iPhone, confirming media reports over the weekend.

First of all, does anyone find it ironic that there are Wal-Mart employees in a city call Uniondale?

But getting back to the topic at hand, this terrifies me, and here's why:

iPhones are scarily powerful. They do everything. I pretty much have accepted the fact that I essentially have a romantic relationship with my iPhone. If the thing did my laundry, I'd never leave the house. And you know what, the rate at which things are moving, I wouldn't be surprised if they released a laundry-doing model sometime next year.

What truly scares me is evil Wal-Mart having control over these glorious devices. I can envision a terrifying future where Wal-Mart programmed iPhones lock everyone in America inside their place of work overnight, and then fire us when we try to form unions.

The Matrix is real, people. Wal-Mart controlled iPhones!

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Mitt Romney 2012: Somehow Even More Fake Than Before

2008-12-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Mitt Romney 2012 has apparently begun.

Republican Mitt Romney is laying the groundwork for a possible White House campaign in 2012, hiring a team of staff members and consultants...

Where is he getting the money to pay for this "team of staff members and consultants" you ask?

Well..

with money from a fund-raising committee he established with the ostensible purpose of supporting other GOP candidates.
The former Massachusetts governor has raised $2.1 million for his Free and Strong America political action committee. But only 12 percent of the money has been spent distributing checks to Romney's fellow Republicans around the country.
Instead, the largest chunk of the money has gone to support Romney's political ambitions, paying for salaries and consulting fees to over a half-dozen of Romney's longtime political aides, according to a Globe review of expenditures.

Wow, I'm absolutely shocked that the fakest presidential candidate in the history of the world was, well, faking it when he said that his Political Action Committee was all about raising money for other candidates who weren't Mitt Romney (though I did find that email he sent me a few weeks back asking for money for Ritt Momney for Mittsident a little odd).

I mean, just go to MittRomney.com. Looks like it's all about this "Free and Strong America PAC" thingy eh? Well, try clicking on the very prominent "Continue to MittRomney.com" link. What do you get? Bam! Mitt Romney for President!

Nice cover Mittens.

If I were one of those donors I'd be pissed and ask for my money back. I'd also register MittRomney2012.com right now and then demand 10 Billion dollars for it from Mitt.

Oops. Looks like somebody already did that. Oh shit, was it Mitt?

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

How To Keep Sarah Palin Out Of The 2012 Race

2008-12-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

President Obama should appoint her Ambassador to Russia. She would just have to row across the pond to do her job (or skate across it in winter! She could even bring some fellow hockey moms!). Of course her total lack of knowledge about anything would probably insult Putin enough that he would nuke us. Maybe I didn’t think this proposition through well enough.

But Obama should appoint every Republican Governor and Senator as Ambassadors to the smallest, least influential countries in the world. No more Republicans. Yay!

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Predicting The Next PUMA Freakout Before It Happens!

2008-12-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

Legendary music producer and accused murderer Phil Spector (oh, just look at him, he did it!) wore an Obama button to court yesterday!

Therefore, if we use PUMA logic, Barack Obama supports murderers!!! Murderers!!!!!! Murdererrrrrrrrssssssssssssssss!!!

And he helped break up the Beatles when he was just nine years old!

The PUMAs warned us, didn’t they?

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

John McCain Must Really Dislike George W. Bush

2008-12-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

I know it's a little late, what with the election a month behind us, but I've been thinking lately about how much John McCain must really hate George W. Bush. If I were John McCain, I know I, my friends, would have spent the last month just stewing in my hate juice for the man.

I mean George W. Bush essentially destroyed John McCain's hopes for the presidency, not once, but twice.

First in the 2000 Republican primary, by spreading false rumors in South Carolina about how McCain had supposedly fathered a black child out of wedlock.

And now, in 2008, by being so unbelievably despised by the entire solar system (Neptune is seeing a political realignment like you wouldn't believe), that the mere fact that he and McCain had been photographed in the same room together, doomed McCain's chances from the start.

If there is anything that George W. Bush should feel good about, it's that he beat John McCain both by being a successful campaigner and by being a terrible president. And that's hard to do.

George W. Bush, I salute you.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Getting Raped By Your Crazy Uncle And Being Forced To Have The Baby Even If It Might Kill You, For Jesus

2008-12-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

(Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Bobby Jindal)

Legendary exorcist Bobby Jindal, also known as Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, is apparently the 2012 Republicans' version of Barack Obama, because I guess he could be mistaken for black from a distance?

Steve Schmidt, who just successfully managed John McCain's bid to pathetically lose the presidency and any last shred of his dignity says:

"The question is not whether he'll be president, but when he'll be president, because he will be elected someday."

Take that to the bank! But don't expect to withdraw any money, because there isn't any left in America!

Anyway, getting back to the shocking title of this blog post, about getting raped by your crazy uncle and being forced to have the baby even if it might kill you (for Jesus!), it turns out that Bobby Jindal really, really hates abortion. I mean really, really, really, really hates it. And if he ever became president, you could never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, have one:

...social conservatives like what they have heard about the public and private Jindal: his steadfast opposition to abortion without exceptionss; his disapproval of embryonic stem cell research; his and his wife Supriya's decision in 1997 to enter into a Louisiana covenant marriage that prohibits no-fault divorce in the state; and his decision in June to sign into law the Louisiana Science Education Act, a bill heartily supported by creationists that permits public school teachers to educate students about both the theory of "scientific design" and criticisms of Darwinian evolutionary concepts.

There's a whole host of crazy in that paragraph about which one could write an entire book, but I'll just deal with the abortion part.

This man will never be president if he is against abortion without exceptions. Just think about it. No exceptions. Not rape. Not incest. Not life of the mother being at risk.

Attention women of America. Consider this: You have been raped. By your crazy ass uncle Bobby (no relation). If you have the baby it will likely kill you. Is there any way you could have an abortion, to literally save your life? Not if Bobby Jindal is president, because apparently he believes that you getting raped by your uncle and suffering a painful death while giving birth to your rapechild is all somehow part of God's glorious plan for you.

Don't you feel better knowing that Jesus loves you?

Seriously, even Sarah Palin had the decency and wisdom (I can't believe I just typed that) to make an exception for abortion when it came to the life of the mother being in jeopardy. And Sarah Palin? Everybody hates Sarah Palin!

There, now Bobby Jindal will never be president. My work is done.

(Cross posted at Rumpoast and The Seminal)

Movin' On Up (Again)

2008-12-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm thrilled to announce that I have joined one of my favorite blogs, Rumproast.

I will still be posting here all the time and cross posting at The Seminal as well, so nothing will really change for my 0.5 readers who actually care (my one-half-of-one-reader is a robot).

Yay!!

Who The Hell Is Alan Colmes?

2008-11-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently, some college kid production assistant at the Sean Hannity Show named Calan Holmes--no, wait, Alan Colmes?--is leaving the show.

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this?

Apparently, Mr. Holmes's duties included fetching Sean Hannity's coffee, donuts, and spit cup, as well as going out to local bookstores and purchasing Mr. Hannity's books on Mr. Holmes's own personal credit card in order to drive up sales, for which, it was understood, Mr. Holmes, er--Colmes--would not be reimbursed.

Apparently, Mr. Colmes was so much of a nuisance on the set, and so ineffective at his job, that the Sean Hannity Show isn't even considering replacing him.

But of course, just like any hopeless young kid with big show business dreams, Mr. Colmes likes to fantasize that his work had a huge impact, not only on his craft, but also on the entire country.

Colmes--who is rumored to be a political liberal--has mysteriously taken credit for the recent Democratic wave that has swept the nation:

"We have a Democratic House, Senate and president," Colmes said in an interview. "My work is done."

Yes, Mr. Colmes, you tell that interviewer (who is probably just Mr. Colmes himself playing make believe reporter in front of his bedroom mirror at night), you tell 'em.

It is believed that Mr. Colmes's next step will be starting his own blog, so he can tell the whole world just how wonderful and effective and influential he is.

Impeach Obama!

2008-11-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

Everyone already knows that Barack Obama is going to be such a terrible president that we have to impeach him now, or, or, or, well, defeat him in 2012 by having Hillary Clinton run for the Republican nomination and pick Sarah Palin, Joe The Plumber, or Bill Ayers as her running mate.

Glorious PUMA blogs like this one feature a wonderful widget on their sidebar that counts down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until President Hillary Clinton (R-The Real America) can take office.

Check out the widget:

Notice anything off about that?

I do! I do!

The next president (after this next, next president) will take office on January 20, 2013, not January 20, 2012.

The fucking PUMA's can't even get the date right for when their glorious leader will finally take office. But uh, yeah, they are a coalition of millions who are really going to be serious players in the future!

I mean, look at what they accomplished in Florida in this election! They got 234 million people to write in Hillary Clinton's name on the ballot, defeating Barack Obama and securing that state for Hill-- oh, oops. Wait. They only got 234 people to write in Hillary Clinton's name? And Barack Obama still carried the state easily? And the people who wrote in Hillary's name couldn't even spell her first name right (two "l"s, bitches, two "l"'s!)?.

Oh, well you....Oh.

The Greatest Blog Of All Time: The Moment Obama Wins!

2008-11-20T12:58:00.000-08:00

Check this blog out.

It features YouTube videos from around the world of people going crazy the moment CNN officially declared Barack Obama President-Elect of the United States.

It's amazing. Brought a tear to my eye.

People scream like the Beatles have just come on stage.

Now, can you imagine the same thing happening among John McCain supporters if McCain had won? I mean, sure, they would have been happy and all, but I just couldn't see that level of excitement happening at a John McCain victory party.

Probably because most of his supporters were 300 years old and would have either been asleep by the time the election was called (or really asleep right after the 4:30 pm Early Bird Special), or would have been so excited by McCain's victory that instead of cheering, they would all have just suffered massive, fatal heart attacks, and dropped dead on the spot.

If only out of concern for the health and wellbeing of those charming old folks, let's be thankful McCain didn't win.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

Thank You George W. Bush

2008-11-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

I never thought I'd ever say this, but thank you. Thank you. Thank you George W. Bush.

Bear with me for a minute.

Close your eyes and pretend it's November 2002. Ok, don't actually close your eyes, because then you can't read this.

So squint a little bit with me, and think all the way back to November 2002.

The country has a 911 degree fever. President Bush is riding a huge wave of popularity and can do no wrong. The Republicans take the Senate and make gains in the House by campaigning on national security and the importance of bombing the shit out of every country in the middle east, even if they had nothing to do with 9/11, just because we're pissed.

In Georgia, Republican draft dodger Saxby Chambliss defeats Democratic Senator Max Cleland, a Vietnam War hero and triple amputee, by a 53-46 margin. In the run-up to the election, Chambliss publicly questions Cleland's patriotism, and Chambliss's campaign even airs tv ads featuring Cleland's picture next to Osama Bin Laden's and Saddam Hussein's.

We Democrats appear to be royally fucked. America is a terrified nation, and the Republicans have convinced the majority of us that they are the only ones who can keep the country safe from Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein (The majority of the country also believes those two men are somehow connected).

It feels like we Democrats may be in the permanent minority.

Now imagine, just imagine, if someone came up to you then and said, "Hey, guess what? The next president of the United States is going to be an African-American, liberal, first-term, inexperienced Senator from Illinois, who has an African-American preacher who once exclaimed "Goddamn America!" and holds the United States partially responsible for 9/11. The next president also has loose ties to a guy who once bombed the Pentagon. Oh, and the next president's name is Barack Hussein Obama. That's right. It sounds like 'Iraq Hussein Osama.' And of course Republicans are gonna play that up. But seriously, the guy's gonna be our next president."

What would you have said in response?

I know what I would have said: "What the fuck are you smoking, man? That has got to be the most ridiculous, most unlikely scenario I've ever heard. If that story is true, I will give you all the money in the world and then some. I will give you my first born child. I will be your servant for life. I will..."

You get the picture.

Of course, our next president is Barack Hussein Obama. And he did run an excellent, inspiring campaign. But one of the main people we have to thank for the Obama presidency is George W. Bush.

No president has ever fucked up as much as he has. No president has ever squandered as much good will. No president has ever fallen so far. No president has gone from a 90 percent approval rating to a 20 percent approval rating. No president has ever, ever, ever been as criminal, as vile, as filthy, rotten and wretched as Bush. And yet, I gotta thank him for one thing, and really just one thing: the amazing opportunity we have in President Barack Obama.

President Obama represents an utter repudiation of the last 8 years of Bush hell. I guess our country had to really hit rock bottom before we could allow ourselves to shine.

So please President Obama, no pressure or anything, but uh, just don't fuck this up.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

Wait, What?

2008-11-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

I apparently picked the wrong week to take a break from blogging because it appears that there was a presidential election on Tuesday?

Well, I'm guessing that, as I predicted in April, John McCain has become our next president, and that we can all rest assured that we will be safe in our beds from gay Muslim elitist fascist islamo Socialist Marxist evildoing illegal immigrating wealth distributing volvo eating sushi driving gay latte marrying Democrat Party commies who--

Oh.

Hmm...

Muahahahhahah.

John McCain and Sarah Palin were rightfully and pathetically humiliated in the presidential election, and Barack Obama made history by becoming our first black president. And might I add that I truly feel that he will be an awesome president, and that I actually have hope, real hope, for the first time in 8 years, that our country could actually become a force for good again.

I haven't really touched the blog since Tuesday, because I've kinda been in a hopey, changey stupor since then. I still don't really believe Obama is our next president. I don't really think I'll even believe it after he's sworn in. Or after he's re-elected. Or after President Jeb Bush takes over in 2016. It just seems too good to be true.

I haven't known, and I still don't really know, how to fully appreciate or capture what has happened in these last few days. It still feels like a dream, and I'm so incredibly cynical about everything political all the time, that I don't know what I even think yet.

And when it comes to this blog, how do I make fun of President Obama? I mean, the guy is awesome. What do I say? President Obama is hilariously awesome? President Obama did something stupidly amazing that helped millions of people today? What a the-opposite-of-a-douchebag?

Fuck. Thanks for ruining comedy, President Obama.

But seriously, I'll have more in the days ahead. Right now, for the first time in a long time, I just feel happy about our country.

John McCain Should Throw One Last Mavericky, Hail Mary

2008-11-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

With all signs pointing to John McCain getting viciously humiliated in tonight's election, may I propose one last mavericky, hail mary for John to throw in the last hours of this thing:

Suspend your campaign. Seriously. Do it. One more time. Suspend it. Say you can't bear to lose, that things are just looking too bad, that you are suspending your campaign until things look better for you.

Seriously though, because this blog is serious, can you imagine a President McCain doing the same erratic, "mavericky" hail mary shit when he was actually governing and things didn't look so good for him?

He would like name Joe the Plumber Secretary of the Treasury just to own the media narrative for one more day.

Or suspend the economy itself just to get people all tripped out and talking about what a maverick he is.

People are sick of crazy, risk-taking, shoot-with-your-eyes-closed presidents, and John McCain is going to get hilariously trounced tonight because of it.

Obama Wins

2008-11-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

Yup. Obama has won. Dixville Notch, bitches.

Also, "Obama Wins" should drive up the blog traffic by about another 10 trillion hits tomorrow, my friends.

John McCain's Concession Speech

2008-11-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

I'm predicting it will contain at least several occurences of the word pairing, "my friends."

I also just wanted to write a blog post entitled "John McCain's Concession Speech," so I can get 10 million hits from Google searches on this blog tomorrow.

Election Prediction

2008-11-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, suckers, here's my prediction (or as John McCain's campaign might write, "predctine") for tomorrow's election:

Barack Obama destroys John McCain, beating him by 6 points in the popular vote and 375-163 in the electoral college. Obama wins the Kerry states, plus Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, Iowa, Missouri, Ohio, Florida, Indiana, Virginia, and North Carolina. With a huge, huge turnout, we could also see a few other close states go for Obama (like Georgia, Montana, North Dakota, or even John McCain's "home state" of Arizona--ouch!), but for right now, I'm sticking to my 375-163 prediction.

The Democrats pick up 8 Senate seats right off the bat, with Oregon, Alaska, New Mexico, Colorado, Virgina, Minnesota (Senator Al Franken! CSPAN will forever be hilarious), North Carolina, and New Hampshire. Georgia goes into a runoff and then Jim Martin defeats uber douchebag Saxby Chambliss and a dejected Republican Party in December, giving us 60 seats, including Joe Lieberman. Of course, again, with huge, huge Democratic turnout, a couple other Senate seats could go Dem, like Kentucky and Mississippi, or even Texas, but for now, I'm sticking to my prediction that the Dems eventually have 59 plus Lieberman in the Senate.

The Dems will also pick up around 25-35 seats in the House.

Then, my prediction for next year: President Obama will get a lot of shit done domestically with his 60 Dem senate. Joe Lieberman will vote with us on health care reform, environmental protection, etc (unless he decides to completely sell his soul to the devil and even caucus with the Reeps on domestic issues). Of course on war, torture and everything that involves blowing up Muslims, Lieberman will march in lockstep with the Reeps.

However, there are a handful of Republican senate seats up in 2010 which could be vulnerable. I think that if folks like George Voinovich, Arlen Specter, Mel Martinez, Chuck Grassley, David Vitter, and Judd Gregg decide not to retire, they'll want to start working with the Dems or face certain defeat in the midterms.

Plus, Sam Brownback is retiring and if Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius wants his seat, it's hers for the taking.

I'm also predicting John McCain will either die before his term is up in 2010 or retire in 2010 because polls show him losing his seat in that race if Democratic Governor Janet Napolitano were to run. Though I would love, love, love for him to not only be humiliated in this year's presidential election, but also to pathetically lose his senate seat and the last, tiny bit of dignity he has left in one final hilarious campaign.

With all that said, I'm predicting that if the Dems don't get a fillibuster proof majority (60 plus Lieberman or more) this year, they will in 2010 because people are just fed up as hell with the Republicans, and if the Republicans who are up for re-election in 2010 are seen as blocking the Democrats' agenda, voters will punish them at the polls.

# # #

After Bush won re-election in 2004, I felt so down that I didn't think I'd ever see another Democratic president in my lifetime. Now of course, it's a different story. While there will probably be another Republican president in my lifetime (Bristol Palin?), I think the Reeps will be lost in the wilderness when it comes to the congress for a good 30-50 years.

Hooray for the total, national repudiation and humiliation of a major political party!

John McCain: Let's Show Our True "Virture" By Having "Everbody" Not Vote For "Barach"

2008-11-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

Seriously, John McCain's campaign needs to update to a version of Microsoft Word that has spellcheck.

First they couldn't spell "Barack."

Then they couldn't spell "Everybody."

Now, they can't spell "virtue." Probably because they don't know what the word means.

John McCain And His Terrifying Cabinet

2008-10-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a look at what we would potentially be in for if John McCain became president:

[T]here are a few names that seem virtually certain to pop up in any McCain administration.

Some of those appointments could include:

White House chief of staff: [former Navy Secretary John]Lehman or longtime McCain aide and speechwriter Mark Salter

Senior counselor to the president: Top campaign official and personal friend Rick Davis

Secretary of state: World Bank President and former deputy secretary of state Robert Zoellick; Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.); former deputy secretary of state Richard Armitage

Treasury secretary: FedEx founder Fred Smith; former eBay CEO Meg Whitman; Bain Capital co-founder and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney; John Thain, former Merrill Lynch CEO and now president of Global Banking, Securities and Wealth Management at Bank of America

Secretary of defense: Lehman; Lieberman; Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.); current Defense Secretary Robert Gates

Attorney general: Graham; former Sen. Fred Thompson (R-Tenn.); former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani

Secretary of education: Former Arizona superintendent of education Lisa Graham Keegan

National security adviser: Policy adviser Randy Scheunemann

Office of Management and Budget: Former Congressional Budget Office director and campaign adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin

Wow. This is so horrible I can't even begin to think of making fun of it.

Haha. Yeah right!

Please put Mittens Romney in charge of all American money. If anyone in the world could somehow make money itself extremely unappealing, sleazy, and hilarious, all at the same time, it would be him.

Lindsay Graham as Secretary of Defense would please me only because I'd love to see how Republicans would deal with having a gay Secretary of Defense.

And Attorney General? Attorney General Fred Thompson would either abolish all laws in existence because he would be too lazy to enforce them, or Attorney General Rudy Giuliani would make it illegal to think bad thoughts, or illegal to even think of thinking bad thoughts. Either one of these extremes would be terrible.

And National Security Adviser Randy Scheunemann would advise President McCain to blow up the entire would with millions of glorious nukes, while Attorney General Rudy Giuliani masturbated in the background to the images of destruction and Attorney General Runner Up Fred Thompson napped through the very loud total annihilation of the planet.

Yes, I can see why some Americans are undecided.

John McCain And His "Character"

2008-10-31T00:28:00.000-07:00

Ben Stein was just on Larry King.

Both of them are boring.

Larry King is dumb.

Ben Stein is semi-douchey.

Ben Stein discussed how he wanted John McCain to start talking about his "character" again.

Ben said John McCain "has great character."

John McCain does not have great character.

John McCain is an asshole.

Is John McCain White Enough To Be President?

2008-10-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

Or maybe he's too white to be president?

Anyway, horribly racist Republicans (Racistlicans?) in Minnesota have just aired some stupid tv ad where they darken the face of an Indian-American Democratic candidate for congress.

To get back at these bastards, I propose that we run ads against John McCain where we whiten his face a bit to make him look just a tad more white.

Oh wait, then people might think they are looking at a blank white screen. Nevermind. Bad idea.

More Thoughts On Undecided Voters

2008-10-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

I've been imagining what goes through the head of an undecided voter in this election:

"Hmmm. Can't decide between Obama and McCain. On the one hand, I really like Obama's 'let's try to get along with everybody in the world and encourage a global sense of community' type attitude, but, on the other hand, I also really like McCain's 'let's bomb the shit out of anybody that looks at us funny' attitude as well. Man, it's just so hard to decide."

Undecided voters are either stupid, not paying attention, or worse, both.

If You Are Still Undecided At This Point

2008-10-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

Let me use a metaphor to make it clear for you what the choice is.

Which of the following would you prefer in everyday life?

A) A nice pat on the back

B) A swift kick in the face

Still undecided?

John McCain: "Everbody" Better Not Vote For "Barach"!

2008-10-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

Remember when John McCain's campaign couldn't spell Obama's name to save their pathetic lives?

Well, now, they can't spell the word "everybody."

Spell check, people, spell check.

You're running for the most important job in the world. You gotta be careful with this shit. I mean, fuck, what if McCain becomes president and the same people who proofread his website text write some memo to Iran that says, "Hello Iran, go fuck yourselves assholes!" when they really meant to write, "Hello Iran, we would like to schedule a peaceful meeting with you."?

This stuff matters, man.

Sarah Palin As President

2008-10-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

Via Rumproast, we have this awesome video:

Of course, you should also check out www.palinaspresident.us for more hilarity.

And then there's johnmccain.com, which I won't link to, but which is also quite hilarious.

Utah Voters Should Listen To This Guy

2008-10-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Yes. Listen:

To the editor:

Many voters are not impressed by either presidential candidate. We have, however, a third choice of a write-in candidate to show disapproval, by a write-in vote such as Mitt Romney.

Theo Erni

Logan

Thank you Theo. Obama is 20 points down in Utah, but at the rate this blowout election is going, with a few votes for Mittens in Mormonland, Obama could win Utah too!

Joe Biden Should Just Announce Now For 2016

2008-10-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously. At this rate we will never have another Republican president ever.

Barack Obama is going to win this election in a landslide.

Republicans know it, and they are already fighting over who will be the "leader" of the party for 2012.

Here are the all-star front runners who are already just dying to challenge soon-to-be President Obama and who we should absolutely be terrified of (ha!).

Known exorcist Bobby Jindal is already on his way to Iowa to prepare for 2012.

Budding rapper Mitt Romney and Dinosaur Hunter TriSarahTops Palin are already going negative on one another.

Rudy Giuliani has already reserved JoinRudy2012.com, so he can campaign for president while reminding everyone that it's about to be the 11th anniversary of 9/11.

The RNC seems to think that its strongest messenger right now isn't its candidate for president John McCain, but actually fake, B-move president Fred Thompson.

And finally, fried squirrel aficionado Mike Huckabee has begun to prepare for 2012 by starting a horrible, horrible show on Fox News, where he plays music in a band that is totally comprised of stagehands from other Fox News shows, but that totally rocks out, in an out of tune, tone deaf sort of way.

At this rate, the only potential Republican presidential candidate we will ever have to worry about again is Noah McCullough, a little kid who is already planning a 2032 bid for the big chair.

Don't worry though, I've already got the hit pieces in the hopper on this kid.

Man, the Republican Party is so fucked forever.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

John McCain Is Naomi Watts In "The Ring"

2008-10-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

That's right.

7 Days!

That scary video? His latest terrible campaign ads that are trying to scare people about Obama.

That creepy girl who says "7 days" on the phone? That's Sarah Palin telling him that in a week the Republican Party is all hers.

7 Days!

Important Question

2008-10-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

If John McCain's campaign was willing to shell out $22,800 on makeup for Sarah Palin, why couldn't they also pay for some makeup to make John McCain look less than dead?

Sarah Palin Is Still Michael Jackson

2008-10-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

A while back, I said that Sarah Palin was like Michael Jackson, because she's creepy, she gives her kids bizarre ass names, and she hides out from everyone so we can't find out just how creepy she actually is.

Now it turns out that Sarah Palin actually wants to be Michael Jackson, because she bought the original Thriller jacket off EBay.

I heard she got it in exchange for the Governor's jet, the Bridge to Nowhere and Bristol Palin's second born child.

Palin 2012!

Fred Thompson Is Back, With Extra Hilariously Boring TV

2008-10-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

Ah, shucks, remember when Ol' Freddie Thompson first head-bobbed and throat-cleared his way onto the national scene a year ago with that awful 14 minute long presidential announcement video?

Well, Ol' Freddie is back, and this time he's sitting at a fake ol' presidential desk, talkin' 'bout why shucks, John McCain should be president, heck. This video is only 12 minutes long (only? ha!).

I could only bear to watch about two minutes of it, and then I passed out and banged my head on my desk, and when I woke up, I felt almost as brain damaged as Ol' Freddie.

Please don't watch this video. It will leave you mentally retarded.

Go Die In A War For John McCain!

2008-10-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

Here's an email blast I got from John McCain's campaign asking me to volunteer:

Volunteer Deployment for McCain-Palin

For those who are ready, willing and able to pack a suitcase and hit the road for voter turnout in a target state, Volunteer Deployment is for you!

We are recruiting McCain Marshals and McCain Mavericks to deploy to states all over the country to assist existing McCain-Palin 2008 operations in their final days of voter contact.

Who should apply?

McCain Marshals

This program is for those who are comfortable working independently, managing a local office and recruiting new volunteers. Additionally, our McCain Marshals must be familiar with the new political technologies we are using in the field. Ideally, they will have campaign experience, or have participated in Deployment in recent years and be familiar with our turnout operations. The requirements are a minimum one-week commitment (October 29th through November 5th).

McCain Mavericks
This program is for all of you that are able to give the last week or two before Election Day to make turnout phone calls and go door-to-door in one of our top battleground states. You'll work all day (and night) long with a group of friends (some new, some old) to turn out voters on Election Day. The departure day is anytime before November 1st, and you'll be able to return home on Wednesday, November 5.

How do I apply?

Please apply online at http://www.johnmccain.com/deployment.

Thank you!

Joni Gossett, Deputy Director of Volunteers

Notice the headline: "Volunteer deployment"? I think that' s a bad choice of words when you've got a candidate who supports a war that 70 percent of Americans think was a mistake.

John McCain Flashback!

2008-10-22T18:50:00.001-07:00

No, no, no, not that kind of flashback.

Show some respect for a decorated war hero you low lifes! I just thought I'd remind ya of this hilarious quote from John McCain in July, 2007:

"We’ll win the same way we almost won in 2000.”

Yup. In response I wrote:

Um, this statement defies logic. How could McCain win the nomination in 2008 in the same manner in which he almost won it in 2000?

Logically speaking (bear with me now), if McCain conducts his 2008 campaign in the same fashion that he conducted his almost successful 2000 campaign, then wouldn't one be led to believe that the best McCain could hope for in 2008 would be to be just as almost successful as he was in 2000?

Of course, this time, he did go on to win the nomination. And now, with no money and a campaign that's way down in the polls, he has Barack Obama right where he wants 'em!

Um, you know, I started out this post with the intention of making fun of how John McCain never makes any sense, but now I've just confused myself. I know I've written recently that John McCain seems to be attempting to lose this race, but now I'm thinking that maybe by trying to lose, he'll actually win?

Wait, what?

Here's A Crazy Theory: There Is No Real John McCain

2008-10-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

I've read many bloggers--mostly liberals, but some conservatives--who are upset about the direction John McCain's campaign has taken in this election.

They usually say something like, "Where's the real John McCain? Where's the John McCain of 2000? The John McCain who I crossed over for and voted for in the primary? The John McCain who was so honorable? The John McCain who called Jerry Falwell and his followers 'agents of intolerance'? Where is he?"

Well, I'll tell ya what I think: He never really existed in the first place. The mavericky, honorable, straight talkin', bipartisan, not so douchey John McCain who everyone idolized in 2000, and who everyone wishes would come back today, was all an act.

There is no real John McCain. John McCain, like Mitt Romney, is the ultimate politician. He is who he thinks he needs to be in order to win, and he'll be whatever he thinks that is at whatever moment he thinks he needs to be it. If being a fascist is what it takes to win, sign him up, get him his boots and tell him who to scapegoat! If the country takes an extreme turn to the left, John McCain will be the first one campaigning in birkenstocks and hittin' the bong on stage. And Romney will bring the Bob Marley records!

In 2000, here's what I think happened: John McCain was running for president and realized that the front runner, George W. Bush, was going to run an uber-douchey smear campaign. Even though Bush claimed to be a new kind of Republican, who brought people together, all McCain and his advisers had to do was look at who was running Bush's campaign. Karl Rove's m.o. from the beginning of time was destroy and humiliate your opponent. He did it in Texas on fucking Agricultural Commissioner races, so he was definitely going to do it here.

So McCain and his advisers meet (in my imagination) and say, well, the uber-douchey, smear-merchant niche is already taken. How the hell can we knock out Bush and win this thing? By going super-duper-duper-uber-douchey extra-smeary-smear merchant? No. Nobody tops Rove when it comes to that. Why don't we play nice and act all mavericky and talk about "honor." Yeah! That's how we'll differentiate ourselves from Bush and win this thing!

Well, that's what they did, and it didn't work. So now, after watching Bush win 2 elections with the douchey/smeary stuff, they thought well, it worked for him, why wouldn't it work for us? And McCain? Just like in 2000, he did what he thought it would take to win. This time, it was campaign like Bush, because nobody really gives a shit about honor do they?

Sorry to break it to those of you who were still holding out for the "real John McCain" to make a triumphant return. I think the only thing real about McCain is that he has no problem being a real asshole.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

John McCain Says He's Been Tested

2008-10-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

And Cindy demands to see the results.

You see, because John McCain sleeps around!

Heh? Heh?

Anyway, this is what John McCain apparently means when he says he's been tested:

McCain recalled being ready to launch a bombing run during the October 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, which Biden said over the weekend tested a new President John F. Kennedy and was the template for the kind of "generated crisis" the 47-year-old Obama would face within six months of taking office.

"I was on board the USS Enterprise," McCain, a former naval aviator, said in the capital city of Harrisburg. "I sat in the cockpit, on the flight deck of the USS Enterprise, off of Cuba. I had a target. My friends, you know how close we came to a nuclear war."

As the crowd of several thousand began to swell with cheers and applause, he added with dramatic effect: "America will not have a president who needs to be tested. I've been tested, my friends."

This really doesn't make much sense, now, does it? How does being told to wait in your plane for the order to nuke the Soviet Union, and then being told not to actually nuke the Soviet Union constitute "being tested"?

Anyone could sit there waiting for an order, then not get the order, and then not do anything. How is that "being tested?"

I think what McCain really meant was this:

"My friends, I was sitting on that tarmac and I couldn't wait to nuke the shit out of the Soviet Union. You see, because I just love the idea of nuking shit! It gives me sexual excitement. I was biting my fist there on that tarmac, hoping I could get the order to nuke the Soviet Union. My nearly irrepressible impulse to blow shit up was being tested. And, when I was told that I wouldn't be nuking the Soviet Union after all, that was very difficult for me.

My friends, thankfully for myself and the rest of the world, I was able to restrain myself from saying 'fuck it' and going ahead and taking that plane to the Soviet Union and nuking the shit out of it anyway. I was able to pass that test. But barely. Barely, my friends. Barely."

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

All Political Pundits And Pollsters Can Now Be Fired

2008-10-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

And we can replace them with kids.

Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., has been declared the winner of the 2008 Kids Pick the President National Poll, Nickelodeon announced.
A record-setting number of votes -- upwards of 2.2 million -- were cast in the network's online poll.

Nickelodeon said it has held a kids' vote every presidential election year since 1988, and children have correctly predicted the winner in four out of the last five U.S. presidential campaigns.

This year, Obama received 51 percent or 1,167,087 votes, while Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., received 49 percent or 1,129,945 votes.

Wow. I guess it's over and Barack Obama won. Pack your bags Chuck Todd, you're out of a job.

Oh, and one more thing: Apparently 49 percent of all kids are total douchebags.

John Kerry Says That John McCain Wears Diapers

2008-10-21T12:17:00.001-07:00

He should know. They are friends. I just wish Kerry would have had the balls to say that Bush wore diapers when he was campaigning against him in 2004.

Yes, it's true, Bush wears diapers. I should know. We're friends. And it's not because Bush is an old man, it's because he's a big baby.

John McCain's Campaign Is Rudy Giuliani's Campaign, Right Before Rudy Got Trizzounced!

2008-10-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

Remember when Rudy Giuliani was running to be our 911th president? Remember how, as it got closer and closer to election day in each primary state, he would slip further and further in the polls? Remember how he would keep giving up on campaigning in important states that he needed to win because everyone hated him in those states? Remember how in the final days of his campaign, like 5 people would show up to his rallies because they knew he was headed for a horrible, horrible defeat? Remember how he finally came up with that brilliant strategy of banking everything on a final fight in Florida? Remember how he finished a pathetic third in Florida and then dropped out the next day while everyone laughed at him?

Well, it seems like that sequence of events is happening again, my friends, although this time, it's happening, my friends, to, my friends, John McCain:

CNN reports that top officials of Sen. John McCain's campaign are "making tough decisions" as they now see Colorado, New Mexico and Iowa no longer winnable.

Instead, the campaign's "risky strategy" is counting on Florida, Nevada, North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, and a comeback in Pennsylvania.

There's your stupid, risky, unrealistic strategy.

Sen. John McCain stopped in Columbia on Monday afternoon. [...]

A crowd of about 15 people assembled outside the airport's fence to see him descend from the plane. [...]

There's your nobody is coming to his rallies because they know he is going to lose in an epically horrible, horribly epic fashion.

And... And... And... Wait for it... Here's one of John McCain's political directors: Mike DuHaime, the same Mike DuHaime who got Rudy Giuliani elected president as President Giuliani's campaign manager!

I wrote earlier today, in a ha ha, jokey jokey, silly silly sort of way, that John McCain and Sarah Palin could prove that they are the ultimate mavericks by bucking tradition and losing this election on purpose.

You see, when I said that, I was totally joking. But now I think I'm going to have to be serious for a moment:

I now seriously think John McCain and Sarah Palin are trying to lose this election.

Seriously.

And that's hilarious.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

More Evidence John McCain May Be Doomed

2008-10-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

Mark Halperin, famous "journalist" and winner of the 1992 Nobel Prize in Douchebaggery has alerted me to a nifty fact I wasn't aware of.

Apparently, the last time a Republican presidential ticket won without either a Bush or a Nixon (I think there was only one of those Nixon douches), was........

1928! Hoover, bitches. Hoover.

Advice for John McCain: Dump Sarah Palin immediately, and replace her with either a) Neil Bush b) 1990's grunge band "Bush" c) the re-animated corpse of Richard Nixon d) New York Mets Outfielder Trot Nixon e) All of the above.

Since I always enjoy a party, I'd be tempted to go with "All of the above," but I'll let Crazy Old Man McCain surprise us.

How John McCain And Sarah Palin Can Prove They Are The Ultimate Mavericks

2008-10-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been away from the blog for awhile, but I'm a huge maverick, so I'm not going to do what you expect me to do and continue to blog regularly. Or maybe now I am since you now expect the opposite? What a fucking maverick.

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that the best way for John McCain and Sarah Palin to prove that they are the ultimate mavericks is for them to lose this election.

Why? Because everyone expects them to try to win this election. That's what campaigns are about, right? Winning. So why don't they buck convention, ruffle some feathers, stir things up, and shock us all, by intentionally losing this election, and losing badly, like blowout style.

Then I would totally respect them as the most mavericky mavericks ever to have mavericked ever.

John McCain Is A Socialist Marxist Big Government Liberal Fascist

2008-10-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we learned that John McCain is a terrorist because he knows someone who was friends with Saddam Hussein.

Today we find out that in addition to being a terrorist, John McCain is also a Socialist Marxist Big Government Liberal Fascist who is obsessed with raising your taxes and re-distributing all of America's hard earned wealth to East Coast elite welfare queens and gay Muslim illegal immigrants.

Here's a very curious result from the new CBS/New York Times poll: More registered voters think John McCain would raise their taxes than think Barack Obama would, a sign that the Obama campaign's constant assault on McCain's health plan -- and its taxation of health benefits -- has been paying off.

Here's the relevant question:

If he were elected President, do you think (candidate) would raise taxes on people like yourself, or wouldn't he do that?
Obama: Would 46%, Would Not 41%
McCain: Would 51%, Would Not 38%

Wow. Seriously, what would happen in tonight's debate if Barack Obama said "America, John McCain is just too risky. He has ties to terrorists, and he's going to raise your taxes in a time of economic hardship. That's not change we can believe in!"?

I do believe John McCain's head would then proceed to explode.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

Jesus Donates To John McCain's Campaign?

2008-10-14T19:33:00.001-07:00

Yup, some guy named Jesus has given 7 times (for a total of $851) to John McCain's campaign.

It's true that Jesus is a damn dirty hippie who wears birkenstocks and talks about peace all the time, and he's totally voting for Obama, but you may not have known that Jesus Christ has a soft spot for John McCain because he and John McCain used to race dinosaurs together in the desert with Sarah "TriSarahTops" Palin.

Jesus always used to let McCain win because it made McCain feel good about himself and because Jesus is a nice guy.

Now, Jesus feels bad because McCain is going to lose, so Jesus decided to throw him some loose change.

Yes, $851 is loose change to Jesus, he's the fucking son of God, for Christ sakes!

John McCain Is A Vicious IslamoFascist Fundamentalist Terrorist Evildoer

2008-10-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hey kiddies,

Remember how many, many Americans think that Saddam Hussein personally planned, financed, and carried out 9/11? Even though George W. Bush himself has told us that this isn't true and that he has no idea where we could have conjured up such an idiotic fantasy?

Well guess what, everyone who thinks Saddam=9/11?

Now John McCain=Saddam=9/11!

That's right:

William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist who John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, aided an influence effort on behalf of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to ease international sanctions against his regime.

There you have it. John McCain knows a guy who worked for Saddam Hussein, who is a guy who some Americans still think is responsible for 9/11.

In 3 easy steps we have discovered that John McCain is a terrorist, and that he personally flew remote controlled planes into the World Trade Center on 9/11.

I now call upon all of the red-blooded, patriotic Americans who plan on attending John McCain's rallies in the final days of this campaign to bring signs that read "Sajjohn McSsein" and "Jaddam HuCain" to the event! Feel free to also yell "terrorist" while John McCain speaks. He will really appreciate that. Even if he doesn't, keep doing it. It's your patriotic duty. Even if he begs you to stop and calls you "my friend," just keep yelling "terrorist." Because, by your standards, that's what he is, my dear, dear friends.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

No Quarter Can Now Shut Down!

2008-10-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Crazy blogs like No Quarter, which declare that they are willing to destroy the country by electing John McCain, just to get back at Barack Obama for beating Hillary Clinton in the primary, can now shut down!

Why?

Because Hillary Clinton says that the chances of her running for president in 2012 are almost zero!

Ok, crazy blogs like No Quarter, you can now stop calling Obama a Muslim Marxist Gay Elitist Terrorist Fascist Sexist, and return to your normal lives.

Deductive Reasoning Can Be Used For Hilarious Purposes!

2008-10-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Consider this headline:

Opponents of gun violence back Obama for president

Now, by using deductive reasoning, I come up with this new campaign slogan for John McCain:

McCain '08: More Gun Violence!

President Giuliani To Run For Re-Election In 2012?

2008-10-13T12:18:00.001-07:00

That's right, go to www.joinrudy2012.com, and what do you get? His 2012 presidential campaign site!

Yay! Self appointed President Rudy is going to run for re-election! I can't wait!

He may have to fend off a primary challenge from Mitt Romney though, who has apparently "just registered" the website www.mittromney2012.com!

Prediction

2008-10-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

After Barack Obama trounces John McCain three weeks from now, even winning Missouri and North Fucking Dakota, Mark Halperin will declare that somehow John McCain "won the week."

Chuck Todd will also say that since Barack Obama didn't win 900 electoral votes that this is really a victory for John McCain.

Sarah Palin will then declare her candidacy for president in 2012, and Chuck Todd will analyze how she has a much easier time relating to working class Appalachian white voters then soon-to-be President Obama does, and that this could mean real trouble for the potential re-election of the not-yet-sworn-in 44th President.

The not-yet-born, nor conceived baby of CNN douchebag couple John King and Dana Bash will then immediately sign on to host "Race for White House 2012."

Are Sarah Palin And Cindy McCain Influencing What Kids Want For Christmas?

2008-10-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

Take a look:

Riding dinosaur, robot top hot holiday toy list

That's right kids! While they're hot, get your own TriSarahTops! And your own First Robot!

The Only Way John McCain Can Win This Election Is...

2008-10-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

...If the entire electorate is composed of adults who have never voted before, but are now doing so because their elementary school aged children showed them how to pull the lever thingy in the voting booth.

Could happen.

Cindy McCain Is Higher Than Usual

2008-10-08T11:27:00.001-07:00

Cindy McCain just called her husband John McCain the first African-American with a real shot at the presidency.

Oops, honest mistake, she actually said that Barack Obama is running the dirtiest campaign in history.

Can you see how one would get those two statements confused and all switched around like?

Barely Alive Blogging John McCain Losing The Debate To Barack Obama

2008-10-07T18:03:00.001-07:00

Let's get this horrible party started...in the comments, my friends.

Prediction For Tonight's Debate

2008-10-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

For tonight's debate, John McCain will come out on stage dressed in white robes, wearing a "Sarah Palin Is A GMILF!!" t-shirt, and blinders on so he doesn't have to look directly at Barack Obama, or directly into the sun, which would melt him.

He will then offer to save the economy by buying everyone in the audience's homes with his wife's beer money.

Everyone in the audience will give him a disapproving look, and then McCain will say, "My friends, that was a joke, but a bad one, I might add. My friends, did you know that for five and a half years I couldn't tell a joke because I was a prisoner of war?"

McCain will then proceed to waterboard himself on stage to remind everyone that he was tortured. Except waterboarding isn't torture thanks to John McCain and George Bush, so moderator Tom Brokaw will call John McCain a pussy.

Barack Obama will laugh at this wisecrack.

This is how Barack Obama will lose the debate.

Sarah Palin will then ride in on her dinosaur to celebrate with John McCain, who unfortunately will have drowned while waterboarding himself because nobody was paying attention.

This is how Sarah Palin will become president.

Hoping To Get Knocked Up Before The End Of Junior High?

2008-10-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

What's next? Polar bears for Palin? Rape victims for Palin? Injured wolves for Palin? Librarians for Palin? Lost Russian boatmen who have accidentally ventured too far away from home for Palin?

Sarah Palin And John McCain Are Such Mavericks That...

2008-10-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

....That people don't even know what the word "maverick" means!

Thursday's vice-presidential debate between candidates Joe Biden and Sarah Palin caused a spike in Google search queries, according to the company.

Google's figures showed that during the debate, users flocked to the site in order to get further explanations on the meanings of buzzwords and references cited by each candidate.
Topping the list of most popular searches was "maverick."...
[...]
Users were not interested in the policy behind the label so much as what the word meant. Among the top queries related to the term were "definition of maverick," "what is a maverick" and "define: maverick."

Wow. Of course I know what "maverick" means, really I do, really, I, I, really, b-b-b-but for those of you who would like a refresher (hehe, yeah, a, um, refresher!):

One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.

So since John McCain and Sarah Palin clearly know what the word "maverick" means, and most of the rest of us clearly don't, doesn't this just reinforce the fact that McCain and Palin are a couple of fucking awesome mavericks? I mean, shit, they refuse to even use words that the rest of us can understand. How mavericky is that?

I might add that the other definition of "maverick" is:

An unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother...

So we could also use "maverick" to describe a lost and confused, helpless little animal. Like this:

Or maybe this:

Of course, the earlier definition of "maverick" could also apply to both video clips. John McCain was being such a maverick that he was trying to find a non-traditional exit from the stage. He wasn't going to use just any old exit, but a mavericky exit!

And Sarah Palin? She wasn't going to be intelligent and informed like a vice-president is supposed to be. No! That would be too traditional. She's going to be mavericky dumb!

Hopefully you find this whole discussion hilarious. If not, you either have no sense of humor. Or. Or. Or. Or. You're a maverick!

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

Movin' On Up

2008-10-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to announce that I will be hopping aboard a great group blog, The Seminal, as of this week.

I will still be posting here all the time, so nothing will really change for my 1.5 readers who actually care. I will just be cross-posting my best stuff over at The Seminal.

So check it out, my friends.

Sarah Palin Is Still Already Vice-President

2008-10-06T13:17:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote the following:

Sarah Palin Is Already Vice-President

Super secret about everything? Check.

Refusing to give interviews? Check.

When she does give interviews, act like it's a huge fucking inconvenience for her to be answering your questions and that you should just shut up and let her do her job? Check.

Now she just has to shoot someone in the face and have four heart attacks before election day and we should be good to go.

Well, apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks Sarah Palin is already Vice-President. It turns out that Sarah Palin herself is convinced that she already holds this office:

‘The pundits today on TV—one of them was saying, check out the vice president’s schedule, check out where she’s going—she’s going to Nebraska,’ Palin said.

Get that? She referred to herself in the third person as "the vice president." Now granted, this could just be a slip of the tongue, but add this to the fact that this woman is completely fucking insane, and I'm predicting that even after she and John McCain lose on November 4th, she's still gonna refer to herself as the Vice-President.

She can even build a fake White House out of snow for herself and her snowman version of John McCain.

Wait a minute. I just thought of something. Remember that snowman who took it to Fred Thompson and Mitt Romney during the primary? Apparently he's from Alaska. Why hasn't he spoken out against Sarah Palin?

Oh right, she's the Vice-President. She probably had him murdered.

[Update:] I have found the video of Todd Palin murdering the snowman:

You better get yourself an attorney Todd. This campaign is so over.

(Cross posted at The Seminal)

John McCain Is Chris Farley, The Creepy, Angry Bus Driver In "Billy Madison"

2008-10-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here is John McCain being a creepy old man and talking about how amazing Sarah Palin was in last night's debate:

Heh? Heh?

And here is Chris Farley in the movie Billy Madison telling Adam Sandler's character about how he's totally had sex with the hot female lead in the movie, know what I mean, heh? Heh?

Heh? Heh? And notice how he claims to know what it's like to sleep with Veronica Vaughn from "experience"?

And look how angry he gets at everyone at the end. There goes that infamous temper. Is Chris Farley really the person we want literally steering our children toward the future in these perilous times?

I might also point out that this isn't the first time I've noted that the classic film Billy Madison serves as an apt metaphor for the 2008 presidential campaign.

Rudy Giuliani Saves The Economy From $9.11!

2008-10-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

I will have more on last night's debate a bit later, but I thought I had to get this amazing news out there first.

The House just passed the bailout bill, by a vote of 263-171. Notice anything interesting about that?

I did.

Add up the numbers.

2+6+3= 11.

1+7+1=9.

11 and 9?

9 and 11?

9/11?

Rudy Giuliani has just saved us all.

Shorter RedState.Com

2008-10-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

"Joe Biden is an idiot because he doesn't know that 'madrassa' is simply another word for school. And Barack Obama is a terrorist. Because he attended a madrassa."

Prediction For Tonight's VP Debate

2008-10-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

For tonight's debate, Sarah Palin will be joined by her friend, John McCain, who will sit lovingly next to her just in case anything goes wrong.

When asked by Gwen Ifill if she can name any Vice-Presidents besides the current one, Sarah Palin will say that she is honored to be the Republican nominee for Vice-President.

When pressed further on this question, she will say that yes of course she can name other Vice-Presidents besides the current one.

When asked which ones specifically she can name, and if she even knows who the current Vice-President is, Sarah Palin will simply nod her head and smile.

When pressed even further on this question, she will stare blankly off into space and pretend that Gwen Ifill is not there.

Joe Biden will then call her a fucking idiot.

This is how Sarah Palin will win the debate.

Correction: Barack Obama Is Steadily Jogging Away With It

2008-10-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

A buddy of mine who I trust cautioned me not to get too optimistic about those polls out there showing Obama beating John McCain by 10 million points in states occupied only by klansmen.

So I will walk it back a little.

Obama isn't running away with it, he's steadily jogging away with it.

And John McCain is still in sight behind him, riding shotgun in Fred Thompson's golf cart.

Breaking News: I Am Stupid

2008-10-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Six months ago, I predicted that John McCain would be the next president.

Boy was I stupid. Barack Obama now has decisive leads in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and fucking Florida.

Obviously, anything can happen between now and Election Day (John McCain could nuke Alaska!), but it appears that Obama could be running away with this thing.

If that happens, I will admit that I misunderestimated the American people, and that I am in fact, stupider than they are, but not stupider than Sarah Palin, who said the following about the choice in this election:

...at the end of the day, though, it is -- it's so clear, again, what those choices are. Either new ideas, new energy and reform of Washington, DC, or more of the same.

So Barack Obama is more of the same, huh?

Yeah, I've had enough of half-black presidents whose fathers were from Kenya too, Sarah! It's time for a change!

What? Rudy Giuliani? Exploiting A Disaster For Personal Gain? Noooooooo!

2008-10-01T11:07:00.001-07:00

Well, a few days ago, in a joking sort of way, I suggested that John McCain was saying that Rudy Giuliani was going to save us from the financial crisis, known as $9.11.

Then, a few days later, I wondered why Rudy Giuliani was traveling with John McCain to the presidential debate. Could it have something to do with saving America from $9.11?

Haha. Funny, right?

Yes, very very funny, but, but, but.....true!

Giuliani “is positioning his law firm to cash in on Wall Street’s train wreck,” according to the New York Daily News. The former mayor announced yesterday that his firm, Bracewell & Giuliani, would set up a task force “to help corporate clients get a piece of the action — or keep federal wolves from the door,” as the Daily News put it.

That's right. Whenever America faces a horrible crisis that could bring about our downfall, have no fear, for Rudy Giuliani will always be there to save us, I mean exploit the hell out of our fears to make a buck.

Rudy Giuliani for President of Wall Street!

(Thanks to Matt Ortega for pointing me to this story, which has now weakened my faith in humanity even more. Thanks, Matt!)

Guess Who Mark Halperin Thinks Is One Of The 5 Most Important People In Politics Not Running For President!!!

2008-10-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought Mark Halperin's douchebaggery could not bloat any further, he tells us that a certain someone is one of the 5 most important people in politics today who is not running for president.

Who is that mystery person?

Not Bill Clinton, not Hillary Clinton, not George W. Bush, not Sarah Palin, not Joe Biden, not Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, but......

Todd Palin?

Yes. Todd Palin.

Apparently, when future scholars want to learn about this election, and how it changed American politics, the first place to start will be the enormous Todd Palin Biography section of the local bookstore.

You won't be able to miss that section, by the way, it'll be right next to the one on Fred Thompson.

My Reader Has Spoken: The Future Of Sarah Palin

2008-10-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, my one reader has spoken, and apparently whoever you are, you voted 66 times in my poll asking what would happen to Sarah Palin before the election. Here is what you have decided will absolutely, no-doubt-about-it, 100 percent happen:

Before the election is over, Sarah Palin will announce that she is pregnant with John McCain's baby. The fact that she went public with this will piss off John McCain so much that he will storm into the White House, seize control and nuke Alaska. He will then replace Sarah Palin on the ticket with Bristol Palin. Before Sarah Palin leaves the ticket, she will attempt to fire Barack Obama because she thinks she can do that. John McCain will then say, "you can't do that, you cunt!"

I'm not sure what will happen next, since I didn't ask in my poll, but I'm guessing that the election will come down to Alaska, but since Alaska has been nuked, there will be no more voters there, so John McCain and Barack Obama will tie, and serve as co-presidents, which will be terrible, just terrible.

TriSarahTops Palin: "Facts Don't Matter"

2008-09-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Famed dinosaur hunter and soon-to-be failed Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah "TriSarahTops" Palin apparently thinks facts are super dumb things.

In a piece written by one of her former rivals for Alaska's Governorship, the author, Andrew Halcro writes:

On April 18, 2006, Palin and I sat together in a hotel coffee shop comparing campaign trail notes. As we talked about the debates, Palin made a comment that highlights the phenomenon that Biden is up against.
‘‘Andrew, I watch you at these debates with no notes, no papers, and yet when asked questions, you spout off facts, figures, and policies, and I’m amazed. But then I look out into the audience and I ask myself, ’Does any of this really matter?’ ’’ Palin said.

Apparently it doesn't, which is why, in TriSarahTops's world, dinosaurs and men used to hang out and play basketball together in the Garden of Eden, and the sun rotates around the Earth, as well as the secret planet, Nebulaska.

Palin's lack of a need for facts probably explains why she can't name a single newspaper that has ever existed.

If John McCain doesn't win the election, at least he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records for picking the stupidest running mate ever.

A New Nickname For Sarah Palin

2008-09-29T13:56:00.001-07:00

So it turns out that Sarah Palin thinks dinosaurs and humans co-existed in harmony just a few years back.

Soon after Sarah Palin was elected mayor of the foothill town of Wasilla, Alaska, she startled a local music teacher by insisting in casual conversation that men and dinosaurs coexisted on an Earth created 6,000 years ago -- about 65 million years after scientists say most dinosaurs became extinct -- the teacher said.
...
Palin told him that "dinosaurs and humans walked the Earth at the same time," Munger said. When he asked her about prehistoric fossils and tracks dating back millions of years, Palin said "she had seen pictures of human footprints inside the tracks..."

Uh. First of all the assertion that dinosaurs and humans were best buddies a few thousand years ago should disqualify you from the office of Vice-President of the United States. Secondly, what the fuck fossils is she talking about? I've never seen any dinosaur footprint fossils with human footprints in them. Seriously, this woman should be locked up.

A couple of other hilarious things to note:

1) Having weird ideas about dinosaurs--while it doesn't qualify you to be vice-president--apparently does qualify you to play outfield for the Montreal Expos, who I might add are the Republican Party.

2) Sarah Palin also probably believes that dinosaurs co-existed with man because John McCain has shared stories with her about how he used to ride a velociraptor to school when he was a kid.

All of this leads me to the conclusion that Sarah Palin must have a new nickname: TriSarahTops. That's right baby, sing it from the mountaintops, and carry it with you to the farthest corners of the Earth, where, I might add, you will discover leprechauns, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Jesus Christ planning their Thursday VP debate watching party, where they will honor Sarah Palin.

UPDATE: Shouldn't Sarah TriSarahTops Palin bone up on her Paleontology? Or Palintology?

Grab Your Guns

2008-09-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

The economy is collapsing and we will all soon resort to cannibalism. This is not funny. But if the cannibalism thing actually happens, I will find a way to make it funny.

The Debate

2008-09-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I did watch the debate on Friday, and I was thinking about liveblogging it, but I was just too lazy. I also thought it just kinda sucked overall.

I thought both candidates were pretty bad.

Obama was way too subdued for my taste and I don't think he hit McCain hard enough. I kept waiting for the moments where I would jump out of my seat and say "Yeah!" after Obama would say something awesome about how terrible of a person John McCain is, but there was only one time this happened: when Obama made fun of McCain for singing songs about bombing Iran.

Other than that one moment, I thought Obama was too nice. Sure, he looked presidential, and McCain looked like an uncomfortable and angry old man, but I think Obama could easily have knocked McCain out of this thing. I'm talking a serious knockout, one from which McCain couldn't have come back.

At several moments during the debate, McCain looked like he was really trying hard to control his temper, like he was on the verge of really losing it. At those points, I think if Obama had jabbed him hard once more, McCain would have exploded, I mean really exploded. We're talking racial epithets, breaking the podium in half, spitting, the tearing-off of clothes, the whole shabangabang.

Obama needs to make McCain show America how unstable, dangerous and absolutely fucking crazy he actually is. It's not hard. Just do it.

Why Is 9/11 Traveling With $9.11?

2008-09-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

John McCain, fresh off saving the world from $9.11, and who I can now continue talking about because he has un-suspended his campaign, has an interesting travel partner joining him for his flight to tonight's debate:

Rudy Giuliani!

I assume Rudy Giuliani will commandeer the plane, and crash it into the auditorium, to remind us all of the lessons of 9/11.

Then, John McCain will parachute out of the plane, to remind us of the fact that for 5 1/2 years he didn't have a parachute because he was a POW. He will then drop fat sacks of money on the crowd, to remind us of how he saved us all from $9.11.

John McCain will then replace Sarah Palin with Rudy Giuliani, and they will both savagely murder everyone in America.

The Stupidest Argument Ever Featured On "No Quarter"

2008-09-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

This has got to be the single most retarded thing ever said on No Quarter. And that's saying a lot:

In his run for the Presidency, Obama has structured his campaign as small offices all over the country, something no other Presidential candidate has done. Interesting that Howard Dean’s so called “50-state strategy” served as a perfect cover for Obama to move in and take over the apparatus of the democratic party. This kind of strategy is very much in line with Alinsky’s approach and the Marxist concept of revolutionary change.

Because Obama has opened lots of small offices all over the country, which NO, I repeat NO, presidential candidate has ever done, he's therefore absolutely a secret communist who is hellbent on destroying America.

Is there a phone number you can call when you think a blog needs to be institutionalized?

That's How Bad It Is To Be A Republican Today

2008-09-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

I was just reading a blurb on CNN about how self-appointed King of All Douchebags Terry McAuliffe is going to run for Governor of Virginia next year.

Then I came to this sweet morsel:

If McAuliffe enters the race, he will face off in a three-way Democratic primary next year against state Sen. Creigh Deeds and state House member Brian Moran. Virginia’s Attorney General Bob McDonnell is expected to run for the Republican nomination unopposed.

Wow. Only one Republican has decided to run for Governor? Of fucking Virginia? No other Republican in the state (again, it's fucking Virginia!) thinks it's worth it to run? Did I mention that we're talking about fucking Virginia?

I might also add that "Virginia's Attorney General" Bob McDonnell's real name is Taliban Bob McDonnell. You wanna know why? I'll tell ya why!

..he is better known as Taliban Bob, a nickname his critics gave him for his reactionary stance on social issues. A graduate of Pat Robertson's Regent University who owes his election to the Virginia House of Delegates to the support of Ralph Reed's Christian Coalition, McDonnell tried to block a judge from appointment in 2003 for allegedly being a lesbian. That same year, when a reporter asked McDonnell if he had ever committed sodomy, he refused to give an unequivocal answer, replying, "Not that I can recall."

Wait. Wait. It gets better.

[Robin] Vanderwall is a longtime associate of McDonnell. They attended Regent University together, and in 1999 Vanderwall managed McDonnell's campaign for Virginia's House of Delegates. Today, while McDonnell campaigns for draconian penalties against sex offenders, Vanderwall serves a seven-year sentence in state prison for soliciting sex with a 13-year-old boy who turned out to be an undercover cop.

Ladies and gentleman, the best the Republican Party has to offer!

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

2008-09-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Even with notes.

This almost makes me too sad to continue mocking her. Almost.

I seriously think this woman is dumber than George W. Bush. Dumber than Fred Thompson. Dumber than a person would be if they were raised by George W. Bush and Fred Thompson. Dumber than that person would be if later in life they fell down and injured their brain.

Why I Am Not Talking About John McCain Right Now

2008-09-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

Because he has suspended his campaign, so he therefore no longer exists.

I cannot, in good faith, continue to make fun of his non-existent presidential campaign.

Also, because he is a hero who will single handedly save our economy from $9.11.

Even Sarah Palin's Signature Is Fucking Loopy

2008-09-24T11:01:00.001-07:00

What the hell is going on with that extra loopy loop on the "S" in "Sarah"?

Now that's what I call a "Loop To Nowhere"!

Sarah Palin Vs. Katie Levinson: Who Is More Qualified?

2008-09-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

Four days before John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, I urged him to pick former 9/11 Communications Director Katie Levinson as his VP.

After all, Levinson was on the staff of the presidential campaign for the man who had the foresight and strength of character to happen to be Mayor of New York Shitty (there's that lisp again!) on 9/11, so she is eminently qualified to blow up terrorists.

Now, after weeks and weeks of Sarah Palin on the news, I'm utterly convinced that I was right. McCain should have picked Katie Levinson as his running mate.

She's more qualified than Sarah Palin.

John McCain Is "Disaster Movie"

2008-09-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

(I originally posted this on Friday, but I decided to list a few other Worst Movies of All Time that accurately describe John McCain, or the trainwreck McCain/Palin ticket. See below for the juicy update)

This statement has multiple meanings, actually.

First, some context:

Radio Iowa attends a McCain-Palin rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa where Gov. Sarah Palin spoke for the first 12 minutes and then Sen. John McCain spoke.

"I look up, about five minutes into McCain's address and see a steady stream of people walking out of the rally. They just came to see Palin apparently."

John McCain is the worst movie ever, which people can't help but just walk the fuck out of.

And Sarah Palin is the exciting previews.

You come and watch 12 minutes of previews for movies that contain no substance and only feature shit repeatedly blowing up (Sarah Palin nuking the Bridge to Nowhere?).

Then the worst movie ever starts, and it's so bad, that after 5 minutes, you can't stand it so you get up and leave.

Anyway, what is the worst movie ever, according to the Internet Movie Database?

That would be this year's horrible, horrible Disaster Movie.

A fitting title for the McCain campaign eh?

Update: Even more Worst Movies Ever that accurately describe John McCain or McCain/Palin:

Zombie Nation : Why aren't you idiots paying attention?
The Apocalypse : Self-explanatory
Who's Your Caddy?: The American people, that's who!
Just for Kicks : Man, this ticket has no chance!
Pledge This! : I'm a Maverick!
The Hottie & the Nottie: Wow.
Popstar : Wait, are we talking about Sarah Palin or Barack Obama?
SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 : Trig Palin to the rescue! Ok, he has Down Syndrome. That's a little fucked up of me. Sorry, Trig.
Zodiac Killer : I just knew McCain had a secret life!
Crossover : Trying to win those Independents!
Die Hard Dracula : Wait, Rudy Giuliani is somehow involved in this?
The Tony Blair Witch Project : I thought he wasn't endorsing in this race?
Feel the Noise: John McCain is napping, and he's snoring loudly again.
Dünyayi kurtaran adam'in oglu : Couldn't have said it better myself.
Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy : John McCain is so old that his birth certificate expired.
Miss Cast Away : If Palin's numbers continue to drop, we may just have to....
Going Overboard : You did what with that Bridge to Nowhere?
House of the Dead : Again, John McCain is old.
Ghoulies IV : See above.
Seven Mummies: One for every house!
King of the Lost World : John McCain will totally re-invade Vietnam when he becomes president!
Car 54, Where Are You? : I thought he only had 13 cars? Is he forgetting things again?
Troll 2 : The Sequel To Bush!
3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain: It's true, we haven't seen McCain hanging out with Lindsay Graham and Joe Lieberman for a while.
Ghosts Can't Do It : Yes. He. Can.
Deep Core (2000) : Still the same John McCain from 8 years ago.
Carnosaur 3: Primal Species : Why does John McCain always play with his wedding ring while Sarah Palin is speaking?
Don't Go in the Woods : There's a Vice-Hockey Mom lurking there, who will shoot you in the face!
Alone in the Dark: Neither John McCain nor Sarah Palin know where Mexico is.
Phat Girlz : Bristol Palin's future ex-husband's favorite film.
Witless Protection : Sarah Palin will not answer your questions.
Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000: John McCain's plan for the Iraq War.

Worst. Movies. Ever.

McCain/Biden '08!

2008-09-23T10:43:00.001-07:00

I told you picking this guy was a bad idea.

Joe Biden said in an interview Monday that an ad put out by his campaign making fun of John McCain’s computer illiteracy was “terrible.”

Thanks Biden!

I'll be ready to blog about the hilarity that occurs when you make an oops about how maybe Obama wants to rape our kids.

Sarah Palin Is George W. Bush Right After Hurricane Katrina

2008-09-18T11:40:00.001-07:00

Wow. Sarah Palin's popularity has dropped to the level of George W. Bush's popularity, right after he saved millions of people from Hurricane Katrina.

I am now going to officially predict that 6 weeks from now, right before the election, Sarah Palin will be so unpopular, that John McCain will drop her from the ticket and start running from her, just like he has run away from Bush.

Then, the Obama campaign will start airing ads tying McCain to his disgraced former running mate. But McCain will say that he's totally independent from Sarah Palin and has nothing to do with her.

The American public, which has a collective attention span of 30 seconds, will totally buy this argument and start believing that because John McCain is a maverick, he really can't be tied to Sarah Palin.

McCain will then replace Sarah Palin with Bristol Palin, who is a total maverick because she rebelled against her mom's position on abstinence.

The Democrats will then put up a fuss because, according to them, Bristol Palin is only 17 years old, and according to them, one must be 35 years old to occupy the office of vice-president, or, God forbid, should anything happen to John McCain, president.

Because the media is fair and balanced, Larry King will have Democrats and Republicans on his show debating how old Bristol Palin actually is, and how old the actual law says you have to be in order to serve as vice-president or president. Of course Larry King will take no position on this complicated issue, and he will let his viewers decide.

The McCain/Bristol Palin ticket will then win the election in a landslide.

Waterboarding For Jesus!

2008-09-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

This poll came out a few days ago, revealing that Evangelical Christians really, really love torturing people, and find it to be totally necessary all the time:

A new poll finds that nearly six in 10 white Southern evangelicals believe torture is justified
...
The poll released Thursday, commissioned by Faith in Public Life and Mercer University, found that 57% of respondents said torture can be often or sometimes justified to gain important information from suspected terrorists.
...
The findings of this poll, which did not define torture, compared to a Pew Research Center poll from February that found that 48% of the general public think torture can be justified.
...
Pollsters also found that 53% of white Southern evangelicals believe the government uses torture in its anti-terrorism campaign, despite claims by government officials to the contrary.

So, in summary, the more Southern, white, and Evangelical you are, the more likely you will support torture, and the more ok you will be with your government saying that it doesn't torture, even though you know it does.

So since these folks both love torture and love being lied to, maybe the way to win their votes is to say "Hell yeah we torture, we torture all the time. Shit I just tortured a guy 5 minutes ago," but then not actually torture anybody.

Then, we will fulfill Southern Evangelicals' raging desire to torture and their raging desire to be lied to, but still do the right thing by never torturing anybody.

Obama campaign, take heed, and start printing up some "Torture You Can Believe In" signs for the south!

John McCain Did Invent The Blackberry

2008-09-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

The fruit that is. 6,000 years ago. When the Earth was born. In the Garden of Eden. Which Sarah Palin can see from her bedroom window.

John McCain: Rudy Giuliani Will Solve The Economic Crisis

2008-09-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

That's riiiiiiiiight....

An angry Sen. John McCain indicated today that as president he would launch a 9/11-commission style investigation into what he called "the old-boy network and Washington corruption" that created the current Wall Street crisis and has endangered peoples' savings and retirement funds.

So 9/11 will solve the economic crisis by flooding the market with American flag lapel pins and United We Stand stickers (which will create jobs!).

Oh, and did you notice that McCain is going to sick 9/11 on "the old-boy network and Washington corruption"? Doesn't that mean John McCain himself?

Oh my God! Watch out John McCain! Rudy Giuliani is going to kill you in a ritualistic torture murder. For liberty.

If John McCain Invented The BlackBerry...

2008-09-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

...then Fred Thompson invented the nap.

...Mike Huckabee invented God.

...Tom Tancredo invented Mexicans.

...Mitt Romney invented hip-hop.

...And Rudy Giuliani invented 9/11.

Oh wait, that last one's actually true.

Man do I miss the Republican primary clusterfuck.

Sarah Palin Is Already Vice-President

2008-09-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Super secret about everything? Check.

Refusing to give interviews? Check.

When she does give interviews, act like it's a huge fucking inconvenience for her to be answering your questions and that you should just shut up and let her do her job? Check.

Now she just has to shoot someone in the face and have four heart attacks before election day and we should be good to go.

America's New Best Journalist Is....

2008-09-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would ever say this, but Babara Fucking Walters?

I am now going to start a petition to get one of the major news networks to hire Walters and Matt Damon, and give them their own primetime show on politics.

Even On Rudy Giuliani Day?

2008-09-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, even on Giuliani Day, but these are good things about Rudy:

1. Duke University kicked Rudy's son Andrew off their golf team for "throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach." The fascist doesn't fall far from the tree, eh? Daddy would be so proud.

2. Rudy Giuliani apparently murdered an old woman in a wheelchair. Oh wait, sorry. Former New York City Mayor Ed Koch only thinks Rudy looks like someone who would murder an old woman in a wheelchair. Yeah, if that old woman was named 9/11! Or maybe if that old woman hadn't learned the lessons of 9/11!

And now back to my Rudy Giuliani Day BBQ!

Learn How To Spell, Boston Herald!

2008-09-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

Newt Gingrich: Hillary Clinton should be on Deomcrat’s ticket

Seriously, the Deomcrats would totally win with Hillary.

Go Deomcrats!

	Men	Women
Think about sex every day	70%	34%
Enjoy sex a "great deal"	83%	59%