25 Things You Might Not Know About McCain (There's Only 25?)

This is why John McCain is going to win. Our brilliant press loves to tell us things we might not know about John McCain, which could really, really help us make an informed decision about who the next president should be.

Like, did you know that:

He has a stuffed dancing hamster on display in his Senate office.

Joe Lieberman?

He's not much of a shopper, but he likes to buy rugs when traveling abroad.

And gay sweaters?

He was addicted to the TV show "24."

By "addicted," we mean he masturbated to it, especially the torture scenes.

He carries a lucky penny in his pocket.

He still thinks he can buy a hamburger with it.

He played Scrooge in the POWs' staging of "A Christmas Carol" at the Hanoi Hilton.

You sure it was a play?

He describes himself as "a person who is mostly normal."

Except for that small, totally dangerous psycho part of him. But really, that only comes out on weekends.

He's serious about the finer points of barbecuing, and he likes to deep-fry turkeys in peanut oil.

Turkeys? Again, Joe Lieberman?

He wasn't happy when Hudson, the neighbors' black lab, ate the tenderloin he'd been marinating to grill for dinner at their ranch in Sedona, Ariz.

So he bombed the shit out of that dog, but not until he called it a "cunt."

He doesn't like to be alone.

Oh no! We can't vote for Obama now! :(

At Christmastime, he likes to supervise the lighting of about 1,000 luminaria candles on their property in Sedona with family and friends.

That's mostly normal.

He's into fruit trees. And birds. He keeps binoculars and bird books at the ready in Sedona. His pet collection: two dogs, two turtles, a cat, a ferret, three parakeets and 13 saltwater fish.

All of his pets are named "cunt," but in different languages. Did you know that the Vietnamese have 30 different words for "cunt"? John McCain learned that while he was a POW. Did you know he was a POW?

I hope you can now make an informed decision when you vote.