Republican Party Officially No Longer Racist!

An African-American, Michael Steele, has captured the highest possible office the Republican Party allows minorities to hold: Party Chairman.

Steele barely edged out Katon Dawson, a segregationist from South Carolina.

GOP shall overcome!

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Act Now, Or The Republican Party May Be Extinct In Our Children's Lifetimes!

Republicans are a dying breed:

According to Gallup, there are only five states that now have a statistically significant majorities of Republicans. They are Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska and Nebraska.

In contrast, there are now 35 states that are majority Democratic with 10 states up for grabs.

Wow. That's just amazing.

Maybe Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska, and Nebraska can just secede from the union, and Sarah Palin can be President of Republicanstan. Of course, without all the commerce and subsidies from the bigger, bluer states, Republicanstan might soon collapse into a hellhole of unemployment, inbreeding, and pitchforks, which, come to think of it, isn't that much different from the way things are now!

I think the Republican Party better start rethinking their position on the Endangered Species Act, before it's too late.

(Cross posted at Rumproast and The Seminal)

Barack Obama Is More Popular Than Sex!

That's right you sexy things, you. This happened a few days ago, but it's worth noting:

A national poll suggests that President-elect Barack Obama is more popular than ever despite recent speed bumps on the road to his inauguration.

The CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey released Sunday also indicates that most Americans see Obama's inauguration as a chance for the nation to come together.

Eighty-four percent of those surveyed say they approve of how Obama is handling the presidential transition. That's up 2 points from the middle of December and up 5 points from the beginning of December.

Damn. 84 percent.

Now check this out, a survey of Americans' attitudes towards sex:

	Men	Women
Think about sex every day	70%	34%
Enjoy sex a "great deal"	83%	59%

So the percentage of Americans who approve of Barack Obama's performance is higher than the percentage of American men who enjoy their own performance!

Daaaamn!

Of course, this survey was taken in 2004, when Bush was president, when there was no point in continuing to populate the world, so maybe sex is now actually more popular than Obama. We'll have to just wait and see.

You've got a lot riding on this, Mr. President.

G Dub Rollin' Out On 22

So soon-to-be former president Bush's final approval rating came out yesterday, and, you're gonna be surprised.

It turns out that the country has had a change of heart, and, in the final days of his administration, the president has managed to win back the appreciation and respect of--

Ah, fuck it. The dude's goin' out at 22 percent.

(CBS) President Bush will leave office as one of the most unpopular departing presidents in history, according to a new CBS News/New York Times poll showing Mr. Bush's final approval rating at 22 percent.

Seventy-three percent say they disapprove of the way Mr. Bush has handled his job as president over the last eight years.

Mr. Bush's final approval rating is the lowest final rating for an outgoing president since Gallup began asking about presidential approval more than 70 years ago.

Mission Accomplished?

Wow. 22 percent. Roughly the same percentage of Texans believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim!

So basically, the core of the president's remaining support comes from ignorant conspiracy theorists who live in Texas.

Heartwarming, isn't it?

Also, I must point out, that 22 percent is also roughly the same portion of dentists who don't think sugarless gum is better for you than sugary gum.

Thankfully, on Tuesday at noon, America's going to start taking much better care of our collective hygiene.

(Cross posted at D-Day and Rumproast)

The PUMAs are “ the most effective group of political activists in a generation”…

....And the Democrats are totally going to lose in November!

Wait, what?

Head on over to PUMA Pac, and you will find this:

Welcome to 2009 — the Year of the Puma!

If you believe in Puma PAC and our mission — if you want us to continue being the most effective group of political activists in a generation — will you help us reach our goal today?

So, it appears that the PUMAs are “the most effective group of political activists in a generation” eh? Well, that sounds interesting, lets find out more about this amazingly effective group by clicking on the link to their MISSION STATEMENT!

Click that link, and then check out the part about how the Democratic Party totally fucked us this past year:

This year the Democratic Party leadership led us astray.

* Ignoring the Popular Vote in the Primaries
* Disenfranchising tens of millions of Democrats in Florida and Michigan
* Standing by idly as sexist attacks hobbled an accomplished and historic candidate for President
* Dismissing whole states and voting blocs as “irrelevant” to an imaginary “new” coalition
* Leading us to certain defeat in November — ANOTHER General Election Loss

That’s right folks, the PUMAs are “ the most effective group of political activists in a generation” because they get it that the Democrats, by nominating that Muslim gay elitist terrorist Marxist Socialist Fascist Communist Black Nationalist, Barky Oblowme, are dooming us to certain defeat in November.

McCain/Palin 2008! They’re totally going to win because of the PUMAs!

Man, Do The PUMAs Have Their Shit Together, Or What?

If you’re a PUMA, you know that Barky Obama will be sworn in as president on February 38th at 3 pm, in South Eastern Connecticut.

Wait, what?

Ok, well, remember when the PUMAs declared that they were going to do everything in their power to prevent Barack Obama from winning a second term and being sworn in on January 20th, 2012?

Right, that was funny because he wouldn’t be sworn in again in 2012. It would be 2013. But since the PUMAs are a coalition of millions and millions of well organized, politically savvy folks, they probably already knew that, and were just messing around, right?

Anyway, over at The Confluence, they are now counting down the hours to Obama’s first inauguration (see the top left of the blog). And guess what? They can’t even get the goddamned hour correct. 1 PM? Uh....the swearing in is at noon, jeez.

Click here to get your own Countdown to Obama’s 1 PM Inauguration Widget.

I’m sure when the 18 million PUMAs show up at 1 PM to protest and everyone has already left to attend the parade, they will be mighty confused.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Mitt Romney Returns To His First Love: Porn

Willard Romney, known throughout the world of pornography simply as “Mitt” for his willingness to have five fingers...oh nevermind...has apparently returned to his pornographic roots:

BETHESDA, Md. (Bloomberg) — Mitt Romney has been reappointed to Marriott International Inc.’s board of directors.

Romney, a former governor of Massachusetts and a U.S. presidential candidate, served on the board from 1992 to 2002, Marriott said Wednesday in a statement distributed by PR Newswire.

You see, during Mittens’s tenure on the board for Marriott, the hotel aired hardcore, barely legal porno in their hotel rooms, and Mittens just lay passively in the missionary position and did nothing about it, which got many conservatives all hot and bothered

But the reason Mittens didn’t do anything, see, is because Mormons really, really, really love pornography.

It also turns out that most Americans like porno too, as it appears that many of us--not me of course--spent our stimulus checks stimulating ourselves with porno this year.

But apparently, our measly stimulus checks weren’t enough to satisfy the porno industry, as they are now demanding a bailout from the federal government.

Well, since Mitt Romney seems to know a lot of about both porn and the economy (He’s rich! Though not from porn, but maybe!), I suggest that we make him our next president in 2012.

This has been the most pleasurable post I’ve ever written.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

John McCain Felt A Little Movement

John McCain personally emailed me yesterday. I’m in his personal America Online (Version 1.2) email address book, along with the 26 other people who still talk to him. Here’s some of the email:

My Friend,

In the time since the 2008 presidential campaign ended I have had a chance to reflect on many things. And as I said on election night, I truly cannot adequately express how indebted I am to you, my entire campaign team and my running mate, Governor Sarah Palin.

The road was a difficult one from the outset. Yet, your faith, your support and friendship never wavered. Just as I have proudly served my country for more than half a century I am as committed as ever to helping see our mission through.

So to continue the movement, I have decided to launch a new grassroots organization called Country First.

Still awake, my friends?

John McCain sure created a “movement” didn’t he? Click here to continue the “movement”!

Meanwhile, his former rival, who happened to create a tiny little movement himself, is busy getting ready to be the leader of the free world. And he’s about to meet with the President of Mexico.

Without preconditions!

The horror! McCain and his movement warned us about this didn’t they?

Wait. Did you feel that? I thought I felt a little, uh, some, uh, some movement.

(Cross posted at Rumproast)

Fred Thompson's Consolation Prizes For Not Being Elected President

Napping and throat clearing his way to a three-hundred-and-forty-ninth place finish in the Republican primary was apparently not enough to allow Fred Thompson to save the Republican Party in 2008.

So he gave up, turned his old campaign website into an Italian house of gambling, and then proceeded to take a very long nap.

But now, he's back!

And even though he can't be president, he still gets to do two things that are almost as awesome:

1) Replace Bill O'Reilly on the radio, and record himself snoring loudly (but all folksy like!) for an hour each day.

2) Act in this amazing, life affirming commercial with Charles Barkley:



He may not have been able to save the Republican Party, but at least Fred Thompson got to save radio and television!

(Cross posted at Rumproast)